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| You are the light of the world. — Matthew 5:14 |
R starts back to university today. It is quiet downstairs; I assume she has a late class.
I have neglected my journal several days; I cannot say why. I spent Saturday p.m. with A and Sunday a.m. washing her dishes and moving her computer. Friday and yesterday I was consumed with managing my job from the ad agency. Also I finally got the sound system back into my car. I need to set about burning some new CDs, as I may not get back the ones that went to the repair shop.
Had a letter from estranged spouse yesterday that left me feeling hurt and sad. This morning's reading reminds me of the futility of allowing ourselves the luxury of excessive negative emotions, especially those generated by other people's actions, those who are "in the process of growing up". I think how true that is: we are all just growing up. Even those of us who have attained a certain level of emotional and spiritual maturity can regress to the point one wonders if they had any maturity at all. This is especially true of me.
I have been struck by the grand passion or grandiose plan and become to all appearances, completely insane. I have approached friendly acquaintances with no other throught in mind but how to exploit the relationship to my benefit. And to some extent I continue to do that. This type of clandestine opportunism is in direct opposition to the kind of person I want to be. Furthermore, I find myself sometimes resenting the good fortune or spiritual growth of others, either beacuse I think they don't deserve it or because it doesn't seem genuine, respectively. Emmet Fox would probably say that any benefit others receive is mine as well, because we are all connected.
And perhaps that is the asset that I can realize from my character defect: opportunism on behalf of others. I can rejoice in the profit seen by others because it is a reminder that, I, too, am a recipient of such gifts and that I am given daily both what I need and very much of what I want. I have asked honestly for access to the Light. A. reminds me that we ARE the Light (Matthew 5:)
Likely I am discontent this morning for a number of reasons: one, I have neglected myself spiritually; two, I have indulged myself to excess physically (resulting in the need for more-than-average pain relief).
A great chunk of that discontent is due to the weather and its effect on me physically. I have had much physical pain over the past 6-7 days, and that has made me lazy about my morning routine. I ask my Higher Power for a stronger resolve, because I know this work heals me physically, too.
Here is my dream: to be with those I love, in a hospitable climate. I believe God can perform miracles. There is no reason on earth why He can't make such happen. He could permanently alter the climate of Memphis, seasonally and emotionally. Or: He could cure my fibro, making winter less painful. I do not really mind winter so much. But I do mind the pain of the last few days VERY much. Maybe I should just start a pain journal. What a bore that would be. I feel like until September all I did was journal my pain. I'd so much rather journal my hope and joy.
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Thursday, January 20, 2005
I am heartsick today, disinclined to journal, so I am forcing myself to write. According to my estranged spouse, he may have found "someone else". Now I can be certain why he is pushing me to get a divorce. I am focusing as best I can on my Higher Power, clinging to my faith that "the universe is unfolding as it should."
Love sucks.
Grateful for
my loving family and friends,
work, a chance to earn some money,
reasons to get up in the morning,
a sunny day
a positive outlook
a world of possibilities
a chance to recover
The Twelve Steps.
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