Never try to force other people to accept Spiritual Truth. Instead, see to it that they are so favorably impressed by your own life and conduct, and the peace and joy that radiate from you, that they will come running to you of their own accord, begging you to give them the wonderful thing that you have.
Wednesday, February 23, 2005: progress

God is great, God is good. Let us thank him as we should.

Blissful day. I have a design commission -- A. wants a logo. I am loved -- I have friends who care about me. I am useful -- people want me to work on their behalf.

Emmet calls. What does he have to say?

"...power over the conditions of our lives, is to be obtained in a certain way, and in the most unexpected of all ways -- by nothing less than meekness...a combination of open-mindedness, faith in God, and the realization that the Will of God for us is always something joyous and interesting and vital, and much better than anything we could think of for ourselves. (It) also includes a perfect willingness to allow this Will of God to come about in whatever way Divine Wisdom considers to be best, rather than in some particular way that we have chosen for ourselves.

"If one is praying every day, as he should, for enlightenment and guidance, the one certain thing is that he will not go on holding to the same ideas as he grows older, but that he will be continually revising, enlarging and expanding them. He will die daily, as the man he is, to be reborn bigger and wiser and better on the morrow."

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Thursday, February 24, 2005: surrender

Heavy duty stuff. Am I ready? Well, yes, of course, because my defects ultimately make me miserable. What looks like fun in the beginning eventually becomes a necessity and then a craving which cannot be satisfied. I like it because it makes me feel good, makes me high. Makes me too high, makes me really, really uncomfortable and frightened. Makes me insane. I think I will lose my mind. There is no quiet, no way to calm down. I can't eat, I can't sleep. I walk about in a state of utter agitation, desperate for relief or release. But none comes. So I wait for it to pass, swearing I'll never allow myself to get like this again. But I do. All the time. Every day.

I go to bed with pounding heart, get up with pounding head. I wonder what effects this is having on my physical health. I feel shame at having allowed the addiction to rule me once again. And defeat. I rest in the arms of God, and once again ask for help. Stop this insanity, please. But just for tonight. Tomorrow I want to do it all over again, maybe even take it farther. Push the envelope. See how far I can go without getting caught.

But I always get caught. It is me that catches myself. The recovering self trying to nurture the addict self. And so it goes, this tug-of-war between the split personalities -- the user and the enabler.

Who can heal me but a Higher Power? And what good the remedy if I continue to pour in the poison? I know from experience that the life beyond addiction is so much more glorious than the life within it.

How can I bear to give it up? By knowing full well that the promises of freedom, serenity, joy, contentment and productivity lie just beyond that threshold of surrender. And I want those promises kept to me. So I give up. One more time. For one more day. I can do it for one day.

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Friday, February 25, 2005: joy

This morning’s affirmation on success , so encouraging. And reassuring. I took the site public yesterday and pretty much felt like I’d stepped off a cliff all day long. But my parachute was packed by my Higher Power, and as always it opened, and I landed at the end of the day safely and gently.

Sometimes others’ reactions to my stuff are surprising. All day long yesterday, it seemed, there were those who withdrew or recoiled from me. There were others who just reached for me and held on. The good news is that I’m not responsible for other people’s behavior, because all of what I bring to the party is coming from Somewhere Else. I’m just Heaven’s courier.

I am responsible for my own actions, however, and some of those haven’t been as gentle as I would like. I need to work on being still. I really need to read and reread that affirmation of December 8. Be quiet and listen. I loved the little prayer in this morning’s aff:

Dear God
Help me to be still and know
That you are there
I was making so much noise
That I couldn’t hear you.
~ Jane Bradford Thurber

I love the morning “quiet”. It’s not! The dogs are beside themselves, barking at students walking to class. My grandson’s little boots are pounding up and down the hallway with unfettered exuberance. My daughter’s gentle cough tells me she is still sneaking a cigarette now and then.

The sounds of my family. I can feel the level of love rising inside the well of my heart, overflowing. Even the sunshine coming in the windows is singing. I am happy this morning, and how lucky I am to be able to feel my own joy.

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Saturday, February 26, 2005: gratitude

Another beautiful day. All the dread I had in the fall about a bitter winter, and here we are, I’ve made it, and frankly, it’s been lovely. I am blessed.

I’m grateful for a quiet morning, the house itself seems relaxed, its occupants moving ever so slowly, no rush to the outside world snapping at their heels.

Yesterday Saskia the cat was set free. My son-in-law loved us all enough to take her in for euthanasia and bring her back to rest next to sister Sorcia. I kept E. while his mother went with his father to say goodbye. The little boy howled over the separation. Something was not right with all of us, and he knew it! I finally pacified him with nick.com, Dora the Explorer and The Backyardigans singing happy songs. Pacified me, too.

His mom and dad came upstairs at last, and we resumed the business of the day. Somehow, though, I was given the gift of time with each of them, one-on-one, throughout the evening.

The boys disappeared down the stairs and my daughter began quietly talking of her grief. I reminded her of happier times with Saskia and held her in my arms for a long time. I haven’t held her like that since she was a little girl.

She left to prepare dinner and her husband came up and sat next to me. We talked of books, dreams, plans and his wife, my daughter. He told me of his changes in thinking and feeling, his progress, his awakenings.

My grandson came up, so his dad went down to help in the kitchen. At mealtime E. wanted to have his supper upstairs, so it was brought to him. I suspect the lure was the Franklin video on the TV and a Pop-Tart waiting in the pantry, but I’m not above such temptations myself -- most friends can coax me out with dessert and a movie!

It was Friday night -- I’d had some creeping loneliness all day, wondering what to do with myself when evening finally arrived, but I’d decided I’d take it as it came. And I’m so glad I did. While I was sitting quietly, crocheting afghan squares, an entire family met for comfort and healing and I got to be part of that. I never would have come up with something so wonderful on my own. So this is me, abundantly grateful, a witness to the magic of just letting God make His Will mine.

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The state of your soul is always expressed in your outer conditions and in the intangible influence which you radiate at large.
I will face the frightening voices from the past that tell me I am unworthy...I answer those voices...and gradually reveal my needs to those who care.
— Daily Affirmations
...first we were smitten by an insane urge that condemned us to go on drinking, and then by an allergy of the body that insured we would ultimately destroy ourselves in the process.
AA experience has taught us we cannot live alone with our pressing problems and the character defects which cause or aggravate them.
We can further add that a beginning, even the smallest, is all that is needed. Once we have placed the key of willingness in the lock and have the door ever so slightly open, we find that we can always open it some more. Though self-will may slam it shut again, as it frequently does, it will always respond the moment we again pick up the key of willingness.
An honest regret for harms done, a genuine gratitude for blessings received, and a willingness to try for better things tomorrow will be the permanent assets we shall seek.
...inventory-taking is not always done in red ink...Good intentions, good thoughts, and good acts are there for us to see. Even when we have tried hard and failed, we may chalk that up as one of the greatest credits of all. Under these conditions, the pains of failure are converted into assets.
...we are today sober only by the grace of God and ...any success we may be having is far more His success than ours.