We know that God watches over us. We know that when we turn to Him, all will be well with us, here and hereafter.

Sunday, February 27, 2005: intentions of service
One interesting thing about this phase of my recovery is that I am beginning to scrutinize my actions and my intentions. Take service, for instance: more and more I find that being of service feels good and reaps rewards. I've always been a caretaker; much of service comes naturally to me. So today I struggle with finding a balance, keeping the activity at the level of helping, not managing.

I had a phone call last night from someone who wanted me to bring him some Vicodin because he has a cold. I said no. It was very hard. He knows I have some left from when I had dental work. I know his doctor gave him 60 just last month. The call left me angry and sad on several levels. Without my BB I would be a whole lot more off center. There's a line about not being a nurse or a banker. Guess that includes not being a pusher, either.

Boy, did I have to turn that one over in a hurry, because there's really NOTHING I can do for that guy but pray. Take his calls, try to be his friend, and stay out of the slippery spot.

I'm also having to exert a lot of effort toward keeping my journal pure. Knowing it's going on my web page in a few minutes has a tendency to put an editor's cap on my head. But I notice when I do start writing the words just come out, and I forget all about the web site.

I guess the biggest arena of intention is my outreach in relationships. It just hasn't been very long ago that I had only two solid, consistent, symbiotic relationships -- today I have little sprouting relationships that may or may not grow into healthy mature ones. And those can be troublesome, well, they ARE troublesome because I'm having to open up, be vulnerable. I'm trying to find the balance between self-restraint and self-suffocation.

Occasionally I have those little verbal slips when I think, God, can't you put a muzzle on me? but maybe I haven't done any irreparable damage; so far no one has walked out of a meeting because they saw me there. At least not anyone I know about...

Grateful for this day, this life, my life.

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Wednesday, March 2, 2005: process
I feel like my heart has been lightly sanded with medium grit paper. A little sore, but much smoother. I'm not only processing emotions in my waking state, I'm doing it in my dreams, too. Recently dreamed I'd just discovered my brother was using heroin. That is too bizarre; I realize that "brother" is symbol. There's been several relapses in the community lately, and each one sends a pang through the Circle. The good news is that most of them have Come Back. (journaling suddenly derailed here by impromptu visit from grandson, who wants a Pop-Tart.....)

Thursday night, March 3, 2005: fear and pain
7:45 pm
Well, all I can say is that I'm glad to have made it through this day without a drink or a drug or any other addictive escape. I can't really say how all this started. I woke up happy to see the sunshine, then I remembered I had a doctor's appointment. Med check. Adore my nurse practitioner, who's actually who saw me.

Found myself talking about my symptoms, improvements, etc. with a larger-than-usual dose of honesty. I can't tell if she found it unusual, but I did. Went to the noon meeting a little earlier than usual. As always, it was an hour's respite, today from creeping loneliness and insecurity.

I had lunch with a friend and really felt ashamed for being such poor company. I just could not seem to stay in the moment, and I hate it when I cannot honor a person who shares their precious time with me.

As it was a gorgeous sunny day and I had no real pressing business, I decided to drive down to an outlet store in Senatobia. Window down, sound cranked up, I was able to focus on clouds, blue sky and the long stretch of Highway 51 spooling out across north Mississippi without too much traffic. Eventually I was able to just relax. It suddenly occurred to me that I was feeling a combination of fear and pain, and I started to try to separate the two. There's something about just owning and knowing exactly what it is that you're feeling that gives you some relief.

I went to another meeting at 5:30. Topic? fear. As folks around the room shared their experience, strength and hope, I came to see that while I'd wrassled the fear monster for most of the day, turns out I'd won. And the pain is just not as bad or as deep as it used to be. Maybe because I know it will eventually go away, and I will be left with something that looks like gratitude.

8:45 pm
I think I'm beginning to see.

It's loneliness, or the fear of it, that has driven me my whole life. Especially in my adult life.

I stayed in a marriage way longer than I should have, enabled all kinds of sick behavior, simply to avoid loneliness. Even though I was lonely within the marriage, having a human being physically present under the same roof with me meant that I was not alone.

This has been coming since I learned my family was going on vacation next week. My false sense of security has been perpetuated by knowing my family were right downstairs just in case.

This awareness is huge in terms of understanding my S&L addiction. Maybe I didn't trade sex for love. That makes me something special? Hell, no; I traded for even less: mere companionship. I didn't really want love; I didn't want my emotions compromised too deeply. I didn't want to have to care about anyone too much. If that were to happen, it would mean I'd have to stay. Lose my freedom. Lose myself, which is what always happened when I dared to love someone. Then I'd be lonely again, because I was without the person whose welfare should come first in my life: me.

This is so big I'm not sure I can process it all right now. But the relief is huge. I don't have to be afraid anymore. I am free to love, because now I know I don't have to choose between my lover and myself. I can love us both.

No wonder in earlier days I sabotaged relationships, or ran like hell from men who might have the capacity to care. No wonder I felt "secure" in relationships with men who were emotionally unavailable. No wonder I preferred married men or one-night stands. I thought it was all about the sex. It was, but it was about loveless sex. I just didn't want to run the risk of falling in love.

Was I trained to be this way? I keep hearing my mother say over and over, "Don't fall in love." Every time she'd hear the name of a man she didn't know, "don't fall in love." She has said that several times since I separated from my husband. And it hit its mark every time. But why did it make me want to cry? Because I know she thinks I will be better off in life if I never fall in love again. How very, very sad.

I have to grieve this somehow. I have to honor this great waste of all these years of my life. Wasted love, wasted time. Don Henley says it really isn't. I hope he's right.

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Friday morning, March 4, 2005: finding your happy

Last night I called my sponsor and read her the writing from last night. Even though there was a lot of equipment and wires between us, I could feel the love coming from her like open, waiting arms.

Then I called the person whom I honor as being the channel for opening me to this event, and told him who I was, and who I believe I am now. We were laughing when we said goodbye.

I returned a call to a friend who told me one day this week that all this love talk was "bullshit". I told her some of my story so she could be a part of this opening. She called me this morning to check on me.

"I'm wonderful," I said. "I've found my happy."

"Where was it?" she asked.

"It was right here all the time," I replied. I just had to go looking for it."

Another friend shared with me her thoughts:

I had and can still have shame around loneliness. When it comes up, my head says "you really haven't changed- this is just a game - you are still very defective" - especially on a day that starts off one way and takes a sudden turn. Sometimes that even happens in a meeting if I share something that exposes me and I know it's out there on the table. Perspective is out the window. I also wonder about the "false sense of security" - am I really ok if I'm not ok alone even though I know loneliness comes in and out of relationships. A friend told me many times that she learned one person could not fill all her needs or mine - stressed that I should keep reaching out to others - enjoying the possibilities of new friendships - she would say to me "you are loved".

and this is what I wrote back:

It's a tribute to those who love me that they don't just run like hell. And proof that you can open yourself up, all the way, down to the marrow, and those who love you will stay. It's been a wonderful trip, something like bungee jumping without a net. Or a bungee.

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I kept the right ones out
And let the wrong ones in
Had an angel of mercy to see me through all my sins
There were times in my life
When I was goin' insane
Tryin to walk through
The pain

When I lost my grip
And I hit the floor
Yeah, I thought I could leave, but couldn't get out the door
I was so sick and tired
Of livin' a lie
I was wishin that I
Would die

It's Amazing
With the blink of an eye you finally see the light
It's Amazing
When the moment arrives that you know you'll be all right
It's Amazing
And I'm sayin' a prayer for the desperate hearts tonight

That one last shot's a Permanent Vacation
And how high can you fly with broken wings?
Life's a journey not a destination
And I just can't tell just what tomorrow brings

You have to learn to crawl
Before you learn to walk
But I just couldn't listen to all that righteous talk
I was out on the street
Just tryin' to survive
Scratchin' to stay
Alive

It's Amazing
With the blink of an eye you finally see the light
It's Amazing
When the moment arrives that you know you'll be all right
It's Amazing
And I'm sayin' a prayer for the desperate hearts tonight

So from all of us at Aerosmith,
to all of you out there wherever you are,
remember: the light at the end of the tunnel may be you.
Good night!

~ Steven Tyler
Well, baby, there you stand.
With your little head down in your hands.
Oh, my God, you can't believe it's happening again
Your baby's gone and you're all alone and it looks like the end.
You're back out on the street and you're trying to remember
How do you start it over? You don't know if you can.
You don't care much for a stranger's touch but you can't hold your man
You never thought you'd be alone this far down the line
And I know what's been on your mind
You're afraid it's all been wasted time

The autumn leaves have got you thinkin' about the first time that you fell
You didn't love the boy too much, no no, you just loved the boy too well
So you live from day to day, and you dream about tomorrow
And the hours go by like minutes, and the shadows come to stay
So you take a little somethin' to make them go away
I could've done so many things, baby, if I could only stop my mind
From wonderin' what I left behind,
and from worryin' about this wasted time

Another love has come and gone and the years keep rushin' on
I remember what you told me before you went out on your own
"Sometimes to keep it together, we got to leave it alone."
So you can get on with your search, baby, and I can get on with mine
And maybe someday we will find that it wasn't really wasted time.

~ Don Henley & Glenn Frey
His own character may still be gravely defective, but he somehow knows that God has enabled him to make a mighty beginning, and he senses that he stands at the edge of new mysteries, joys and experiences of which he had never even dreamed.
Sunday, February 27
intentions of service
So cooperate, never criticize. To be helpful is our only aim.
His attention should be drawn to you as a person who has recovered.
Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be men of courage; be strong.  Do everything in love.
— I Corinthians 16:13-14
Thursday, March 3
fear and pain
Finally, we begin to see that all people, including ourselves, are to some extent emotionally ill as well as frequently wrong, and then we approach true tolerance and see what real love for our fellows actually means.
We ask Him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what He would have us be. At once, we commence to outgrow fear.—
...He has come to all who have honestly sought Him. When we drew near to Him He disclosed Himself to us!
Those of us who have spent much time in the world of spiritual make-believe have eventually seen the childishness of it. This dream world has been replaced by a great sense of purpose, accompanied by a growing consciousness of the power of God in our lives. We have come to believe He would like us to keep our heads in the clouds with Him, but that our feet ought to be firmly planted on earth ... We have found nothing incompatible between a powerful spiritual experience and a life of sane and happy usefulness.
A man's very highest moment is, I have no doubt at all, when he kneels in the dust, and beats his breast, and tells all the sins of his life. —Oscar Wilde
Friday, March 3
finding your happy
For it is only by accepting and solving our problems that we can begin to get right with ourselves and with the world about us, and with Him who presides over us all. Understanding is the key to right principles and attitudes, and right action is the key to good living...
When, with God's help, we calmly accepted our lot, then we found we could live at peace with ourselves and show others who still suffered the same fears that they could get over them, too.

For he knows he must be honest if he would live at all.