Your Father knows what you need before ye ask him.
— Matthew 6:8
Monday morning, March 7, 2005: feelings

"All of my feelings are important."

It's from yesterday's Daily Aff, but so crucial for me to stick with this. Saturday's aff said, "The changes I am going through may not be permanent. I know only that if these changes are helpful now, I will use them." That message seems a little cryptic, but perhaps I will see the truth of it later on. Reminds me of a fortune cookie.

I am going through volcanic change right now. I am learning who I really am, what my wants and needs are, trying to trust myself to reveal my true personhood. It scares the crap out of me. My whole childhood I felt like some amorphous entity that was constantly being pounded, squeezed, forced into a shape that was not mine. Certain kinds of joy were not acceptable. Expressions of anger, disappointment and sadness were not permitted. Sensuality was verboten. And I could not successfully rebel until I discovered alcohol.

"No wonder you drank," a therapist said to me once.

So today I am learning to express myself honestly and honorably. Without booze, tranquilizers, food, work, and all those other things I use to keep from feeling my own feelings.

I am very conflicted at the prospect of falling in love again. I am not convinced I can love well. Loving as I am, I do not have much experience in honest, open, mutually supportive love relationships. When I try to look at how I feel, the feelings are scary, I want to dismiss them.

But somehow in this moment I am okay. It can only be the Spirit moving into the heart of my heart, healing. I am healing.

back to top
open childlike person, care for yourself. You are the precious gift God gave to you, welcome with open arms. Embrace all of yourself, the treasures that you seek in this life are within you, rich and beautiful. Hold these close, no other person can give you the joy that you yourself can birth. Open up to the Light, let the Light go deeply into your Heart of all Hearts, you will be healed. You are safe, you are protected, you are cherished. It is the loving you feel, it comes from everything around you but centers in yourself.
Tuesday morning, March 8, 2005: all skate

We ask especially for freedom from self-will, and are careful to make no request for ourselves only. We may ask for ourselves, however, if others will be helped. We are careful never to pray for our own selfish ends. ~ Into Action

Getting in touch will a little rebellion this morning! I must be working on Step Ten! "We have entered the world of the Spirit. Our next function is to grow in understanding and effectiveness. This is not an overnight matter. It should continue for our lifetime."

I am fully aware today of just how much work there is to do. And in some ways I'm trying to do it all, right now, today. I am mindful of the affirmation, we’re in this to heal ourselves. allow yourself to be healed; allow others to heal themselves. don’t try to question the entire universe all at once. Time to just slow down.

I went to an open event at The ManKind Project Lodge last night, and left with a tote bag full of emotions: relief, embarassment, joy, anxiety, wonder, excitement, hope. The lingering feeling today is that I stood up last night in front of a bunch of strangers and took off all my clothes. And I wasn't even drunk. Nothing like parading your feelings in public to bring out the real crap you carry around. How grateful I am for the experience, and how blessed we all are (and will be) by the people who do this Great Work. It is Big Medicine.

I guess I'm also a little worn out from nurturing many new relationships. After 7-8 years of isolation, I am being blessed with abundant friendship and support. I think I knew at some level that I was starving myself emotionally all these years, but I just didn't know how to stop. Emotional anorexia. Hm.

Found a really cool web site this morning while looking for something else. Plan to add another page to the site for Other Addictions so I can give this a home. I think it's too important to keep it to myself.

I think I'll make it a point to have some fun today.

back to top

Wednesday afternoon, March 9, 2005: alcoholism in the family

A few minutes ago I was sitting on the bed, blowing the smoke from my cigarette out the open window. In a rare moment of intimacy with my dad, he admitted that his mother smoked occasionally. "Menthol cigarettes. She said they cleared her sinuses."

He is a rabid anti-smoker, and raves on about those who do smoke. For that reason, my daughter and I hide our smoking when we feel compelled to indulge, and I have some shame about it that friends laugh at gently.

Anyway, here I was, sitting on the bed, thinking, "Granny, if you were here we could smoke a cigarette together, and talk about quilts." I had the odd sensation of someone pressing down on my head. Maybe it was a nicotine rush, but the feeling made me think of my granny and what it was like to know her.

By the time I was old enough to know her, she was in her 70s and didn't get around too well. She was quiet, stoic, a woman of few words, not at all the kind of granny most kids remember fondly. Most of what I know about her came to me from my dad, who adored her. My Granny was not terribly affectionate toward my brother and me. But my dad was, lots of hugging and kissing when he wasn't depressed or enraged. And I think he must have gotten that from Granny. I am very demonstrative with my affection, sometimes too much so. But I'm like my Dad, and that makes me like my Granny, too.

I never knew my Granddad. He died shortly after I was born. Granddad was a successful businessman when he married Granny. He owned a grocery store in a little town in the Bootheel of Missouri. According to Daddy, Granddad might have always been successful except for alcohol. "He tried not to drink but these men would come around with a bottle, and he'd get drunk and pass out." Granddad lost the grocery store, and subsequent jobs he tried to hold down. In the middle of the Depression he became unemployable and something of the town drunk. To this day my father has great pain around this.

Not too terribly long ago Daddy admitted to me that his brothers and sister hated their dad because, towards the end, he was abusive to my Granny. Daddy struggled with this because he was in the service and "I never saw him act this way," but he believes his brothers and sister, so he is somewhat in a bind, truth vs. denial.

We never had any alcohol in the house during my entire life, except what was in cough syrup and vanilla flavoring. We never went to baseball games, which my dad loved, because they sold beer in the stands. We quit going to our favorite diner because it had a bar and one night someone got rowdy.

When I told Dad I was an alcoholic, he was bitterly disappointed in me. "We never raised you that way," he said. He is proud of my recovery, but voices that pride by saying, "You got it knocked." No matter how many times I tell him that I will never be cured of alcoholism, he refuses to accept it. He doesn't know of my recent relapse. It's not that I'm ashamed to tell him. I am ready if the time is ever right, but he's 81, about to be 82, and I'm loathe to say anything that would make him unhappy.

Today I honor my Granny by keeping her bedspread on my loveseat. I taught myself how to quilt by hand after spending years under quilts that she made. She was gifted, and her quilts are art. And when we observe a moment of silence in a meeting for those sick and suffering, I will send out a little love to my Granny. And my Dad.

back to top

Friday morning, March 11, 2005: gratitude

Happy Blue Chip to me! since I'll be in the car all day I won't pick up my chip until Monday, which will be a full six months (as opposed to 90 + 90). I can wait. I am happy, joyous and free.

I was rereading the front of the journal starting January 1. The grace and good fortune I have experienced is humbling. I never thought myself worthy of such a rich, rewarding life of love and being loved. Looking back, there are pages and pages of my life devoted to the love I feel. This from a woman who tried to end her life because she thought of herself as God's Mistake. How arrogant and ungrateful I was.

My meetings have become a great fountain of healing. It's thrilling to watch others come in frightened, lonely, hurting, and see them slowly open like a magnificent rose, full of beauty and fragrance. To see the eyes slowly empty of fear and fill up with hope, the corners of the mouth move from down to up, is something no less than miraculous.

An explosion of joy just burst into my room, looking for a Pop-Tart. I leave you with Emmet:

Those who may be discouraged by a sense of their own unworthiness, or lack of understanding, and feel themselves to be indeed "a great way off," should recollect that all the Great Spiritual Teachers have agreed that there is such a thing as "taking the Kingdom of Heaven by storm." ~ The Sermon on the Mount
back to top

Saturday afternoon, March 12, 2005: treasure in Heaven

I am very tired, having done an immense amount of energy work and not sleeping much. My yoga is taking effect really, really fast: after just two classes I am seeing a tremendous difference in strength. I had a profound sensation last night of opening my mind to God and feeling Spirit rush in to recharge my depleted soul. Can't recall ever having THAT before.

Emmett is preaching to my heart and my mind in "Treasure in Heaven." One might say I have empirical data to substantiate what he asserts. The watchword is clearly: be careful what you ask for, you'll get it. So I need clearly now to know exactly what I wish to have happen in my life before I even think about praying around it. I suppose that's the answer to why we are taught to pray for such things as serenity, courage and wisdom. Without those we have no real skills for navigating our own lives.

I am vindicated in taking care of myself for the weekend. Called A. this a.m., and the job that was to arrive on Friday won't be in until Mon. or Tue.

I can learn so much from B. I watch how he walks his walk, and he has some interesting steps. Already he has helped me find the space for healing beyond what I believed capable. I know that he is just holding up the mirror saying, look at yourself. But sometimes we are just too shaky to hold our own mirror, or too scared to look. I feel him at my back; I have many souls at my back.

I am remembering the scent of cloves. Interesting: Google tells me that Chinese legend claims that cloves are an aphrodisiac. Like I need one.

I want to be honest in my thinking. I no longer need to strategize to feel secure, or to attract what I need. It will come to me as I become ready for it, as I hold it in my mind. Such has been my life for months now. The universe is abundant, and all my needs today are filled absolutely. Except that one about sleep, and I'm about to fix that.

back to top