What seemed at first a flimsy reed, has proved to be the loving and powerful hand of God. A new life has been give us or, if you prefer, "a design for living" that really works."
Sunday morning, March 13, 2005:

It seems appropriate to journal today, if only to record that I am in a nearly complete state of bliss. I have had almost three full days of R&R -- truly R&R -- and feel satiated in every way. The weather has been perfect -- the gods smiled on us this time. I will probably get rain as homecoming.

Six months ago today I picked up a white chip. I can't say just now what specific emotions I held that day, but I know I was emotionally exhausted and spiritually distraught. And I had the profound conviction that if I could be with others in recovery, I would find my way back, not only to sanity, but to serenity.

I've made it. Without a doubt. And what is so fine is that I feel that I am just beginning to experience my own life.

This weekend has brought me abundance, freedom, peace, confidence and deep healing. It wasn't always comfortable or easy; I had to take some pretty big risks for a girl my size. Winston Churchill said,

"Out of great pain comes great need.
Out of great need comes great risk.
Out of great risk, great reward:

I am reaping my reward today. I look forward to my future; I have soothed and settled my past. I know I have trials ahead, but if my faith is strong and my heart open, I will triumph.

Heart open.
back to top
Monday morning, March 14, 2005: how it works

I picked up my blue chip today.
Sunday morning, March 20, 2005: Vernal Equinox

Happy Spring! Daily Aff says a new beginning; it feels like one. Back to my beloved journal, morning time to myself for the first time in a week. Happy circumstances enabled me to serve many in the past week, and earn some badly-needed cash. Small Jobs had a huge project and I not only worked but served as steward for most of it.

For some reason this morning I was thinking about how powerful my Fourth and Fifth Steps have been for me, how they guided me toward looking at behavior I'd have preferred to forget, but which was holding me captive in confusion. Somehow through the magic of admitting to God, myself, and other humans the exact nature of my wrongs, I was able to reach down into the very heart of my pain and see how I continued to perpetuate it.

Let me here encourage those struggling with steps 4 and 5 to find courage. You will be lifted up for healing in this work. You will earn the capacity to forgive yourself and those who hurt you. And you will touch your joy.

I am trying not to look into the future although some days it seems clear to me what is coming. Then there are those days when I haven't a clue. All the more reason for staying in the now. I don't want to miss a moment of bliss. The trying events will come, of course, and I will need all my Higher Power to deal with life on life's terms.

Thursday morning, March 24, 2005: transitions

What happened to the week? What happened to the month? It's almost April and I'm just not ready for it. That IRS thing is looming over me; I am about halfway through my return. In the back of my mind I am thinking I need to file for an extension; we'll see.

This week I have been so aware of the cyclic nature of all living things. I believe since we carbon-based units are mostly water, we have tides like the ocean, and we are affected by the phases of the moon. Our bodies have little caves and vessels of fluid, like the ear and the heart, that enable us to experience miraculous functions. Women and the men who live with them are profoundly conscious of nature cycling in and out. Men who are attuned to nature also cycle with it.

I spent the morning yesterday meditating in a field of daffodils. This is the first spring in five years that I have not been witness to the glory of acres of Texas bluebonnets, and I am grieving that. It is no small thing to experience joy and sadness all in the same breath, and without The Program to continually ground me, I would be confused and miserable. This I know about me.

But I am finding my way, I am walking with companions who tend me with great care as I need it. So I am trying to get past feeling self-conscious about my pain and grief, and working on just knowing and feeling the pain and grief for what they are: honest emotions. And on a beautiful spring morning I can weep at the sight of daffodils, cycling between sadness and gratitude and probably some other feelings I haven't identified. And I can lift myself up for healing.
back to top