Voice the Truth, and leave it.
— By Their Fruits
Monday morning, April 4, 2005: beginnings

Every morning we get to start over. We open our eyes, become aware, and begin to think. Hopefully we thank God for another day.

It seems that life is full of new beginnings. Friends, family and I are changing jobs, starting or finishing school, changing residences or places of business. Personal wardrobe choices change drastically with the weather. My relationships and theirs are trying on new clothes as well.

A life focused on recovery is fundamentally one of change. We are shedding old beliefs and old behaviors in an attempt to reclaim our lives and loves. Some days the transitions seem painful and difficult, other times they open miraculously before us, seemingly without effort. For those of us who have endeavored to force our lives into a changeless continuum, a life of surprises can be unsettling. It may make us feel powerless and lonely. But we have everything we need in this life to feel whole and safe, and we find our way to happiness, joy and freedom, one Step at a time.
I have a sense of self-determination when I am clear about what is important to me. I have control over my life when I set goals and see that I am working toward those goals by gathering the knowledge and the skills necessary to achieve them.

The essence of feeling in control of my life comes from my determination, motivation and knowledge. I also know that in times of crisis, my inner strength is tested.

I will not spend my time trying to manage other people and events. Neither will I deceive myself by believing that I am in charge when I am controlled by how other people respond to me.

I am learning lessons daily about my inner strengths and my self-determination. I have weathered the storm of growing up. I have learned from this experience and have tapped the depth of my self-knowledge.

Today I am taking control of my life by learning the skills necessary for living a healthy, productive life.
~ Daily Affirmations, March 29
Wednesday morning, April 6, 2005: dreams

I don't discount the effect my physical limitations place on my emotional well-being, but somedays it just seems like so much work maintaining serenity. I think what has happened is that another pocket of suppressed emotion has presented itself for healing.

Last night I dreamed that a client was complaining to me about a co-worker's performance. She had left phone and fax lines open and waited all day to hear from him, to no avail. I simply smiled, fully familiar with the pattern of behavior, but not knowing exactly what to say. Finally I said, "Don't take it personally. He's not treating you any differently than he treats everyone else."

The co-worker in my dream also happens to be my estranged husband. The dream repeated an incident which happened to me several times in our work together, both in other businesses and our own. I felt that my reply to the client may have seemed insensitive, but it was all the truth that I could claim.

I awoke feeling very angry, and I have spent the day just trying to honor the anger, not trying to avoid it or medicate it or obsess around it, just letting it be. I asked the pouring rain to quench the fire I felt. I was careful not to let the emotion leak out into other relationships. I put on guard those closest to me, and I was given all the space and time I needed just to get through my process.

And for that I am grateful. So many of us have to work through hurt feelings with no help in place, and I have been given great Help today, from my Higher Power, and from the friends and family that my recovery has nurtured in my life.

I know tomorrow will be a better day, that upon rising I will feel an open space where only darkness has lived for a long time. I am feeling the beginnings of a crevice of light as I write. I will allow myself to open and will welcome the healing.
When you are desirous of introducing the Truth to a particular person, or to a group of people, the proper course is to prepare yourself by a special daily treatment for several days, or better still for a week or two, in advance. Work for Intelligence, Love (to overcome impatience, and to help you to meet ridicule or seeming unkindness), and, above, all, for Wisdom, which, as we have seen, is the right union of the other two. Claim that the action of God will make you say the right thing when the time comes, and that it will also endow your listener or listeners with the same qualities. Do not allow yourself to care in the least what the actual result of the discussion may turn out to be. Voice the Truth, and leave it. You will often be amazed at the results you will get following a few days' spiritual preparation of this kind.

page 121, "By Their Fruits", The Sermon on the Mount
Thursday morning, April 7, 2005:

So often we encounter someone who's just come out of rehab, fresh, new and positive. Then after a few days in the real world the anxieties begin to creep in. The safe womb of a protected environment without many expectations or responsibilities is gone, and it seems that hundreds of issues begin to screech for attention.

As my days fill up with commitments I find it sometimes difficult to remain centered and focused. It is sort of like walking a tightrope with a blindfold. I am aware that I am resorting to some old methods for keeping it all together, and I must pay attention to my heart a little more than my head these days. My head says I can get it all done and have time left over for me at the end. My heart says I must pay attention to myself first, find the center, open to the Light and get a clear picture of the Path before I step out in the morning.

Sobriety can be tricky if we allow old patterns of coping to preempt the new skills we have learned. It helps to begin each morning with a little prompt from a treasured source. Today's Daily Aff tells me:

"As I increasingly find fulfillment in recovery, I see my unique gifts accepted and appreciated by all those around me. I am valued by friends and colleages as I continue to grow and change."

And Bill reminds us:

"Change is the characteristic of all growth. From drinking to sobriety, from dishonesty to honesty, from conflict to serenity, from hate to love, from childish dependence to adult responsibility -- all this and infinitely more represent change for the better.

"Only God is unchanging; only He has all the truth there is."
Friday morning, April 7, 2005: choices

In thinking about some of my self-destructive behavior over the last few weeks I have come to see that it is common among recovering alcoholics. Even though we have committed to this Program and most of us have been relieved of the desire to drink, we continue to hurt ourselves in some way or another. I think perhaps with the shame of addiction and the feeling of powerlessness comes a sense that we should somehow be punished for being who and what we are.

I can remember an incident from my childhood: my mother was angry about something. I don't honestly remember whether I was truly to blame for anything or not, but I remember feeling deeply that I had disappointed her in some way, and that I deserved to be punished. I went to the privet hedge and broke off a switch, and began to whip my own legs.

I vaguely recall my mother catching me at this, and telling me to stop. It seemed at the time that she was puzzled and somewhat dismayed by my behavior. I told her how I felt and what I was thinking at the time, and she replied, "no, you don't need to whip yourself."

Somewhere along about that time I read an essay in a comic book called, "Why Grownups Don't Cry". Odd little piece that it was, it somehow communicated to me that, in order to be mature and accepted by adults, I should not cry.

The next time my mother did whip me, I did not cry. I was about eight years old. My mother, my brother and I were in a small grocery store; my brother was hungry and asking for candy. Mother refused him. Once out of sight, he grabbed a box off the shelf that he thought was raisins, tore it open and began to eat. Once he discovered they were prunes, he took the box to my mother. She was embarrassed and furious and, scolding us both, paid the grocer and marched us home. She stood us in the kitchen, side by side, and began to whip us both for my brother's behavior. I'm not sure why I was getting the whipping; I think it had something to do with being two years older and somehow responsible for keeping him out of trouble.

Somehow I stepped outside myself and the body that was left standing there did not cry. Mother stopped hitting me, and gave me a strange look. I don't remember getting many spankings or whippings after that day.

But I had set into place a pattern of thinking and behavior that continues to this day: feeling responsible for others' actions, feeling shame for honest emotions, and feeling that I should somehow punish myself when I don't live up to my own twisted standards.

This is the kind of healing that I believe is made possible by following The Steps. Without this Program, I would not have the proper tools and influence to open up these little pockets of pain, and subsequently heal them.

Today is a day of great healing, for me, and for many I love. No words can honor the Higher Power that gives that healing to us all.
courage further fires the inside space when flooded close to another. search further for the opening of the heart. within you lies completed work, ready to uncover. let it flow into your life, your art, your love and loves. create harmony wherever possible. within you lies the understanding for a multitude of pleasures, not only of this world but that outside it. courage to find your way (do not resist) alone, as an individual like no other, affirm yourself. draw on your inner spaces for insight and inspiration. carefully mend the torn corners and edges. embrace your wounded heart and know that it heals; as it does so, watch your wings begin to unfold and lift you onto the gentlest of breezes. courage to rise above self, courage to rise above the confines of earth and its boundaries. care with great tenderness for the one you call the lover. he rises like a curl of smoke, like a feather from a great-winged bird. his vision is matchless, his concerns are great. they will be remediated in time. go always forward, each day new, the journey is just beginning. your step will be strong and your heart light and open. accept the pain as it arrives, it will be brief. you may be surprised to see how quickly you heal if you do not give in to sadness. your joy is complete within you. free up all empty space for it to grow in abundant manner. cherish your life and those around you. you are blessed and perfect.
Rejoice in the companionship, richness, wonders and blessings that Life offers with every passing day. ~ horoscope.com, april 8, 2005
Monday, April 4
beginnings
Thursday, March 3
fear and pain