We have no business to be resigned to inharmony of any kind, because inharmony cannot be the Will of God.
- By Their Fruits
Tuesday morning, April 12, 2005: right thinking

This is one of those rare mornings: fully awake and working by 5 a.m. My morning reading has given me heart and hope. I have two diseases which affect both body and mind, and yesterday was one of those days where all I could do was just hold on. The symptoms were truly dis-ease: a sense of futility, creeping persistent loneliness, concern for my well-being. I have weathered these episodes often; I think my foundation of work from the previous months makes that much easier.

My first thought this morning was how little fear I actually deal with on a daily basis. Not so long ago my life was one of just managing or trying to escape fear. Today there is just enough fear present for me to recognize its face when I see it.

Yesterday's affirmation said, "To pretend that I have never experienced real despair is to sabotage myself." That statement I find rather startling, in that I wonder why I or anyone would make such a pretense. The next statement is "I will not participate in emotional dishonesty." and on to "I will not ignore my emotions."

This seems to be the emerging icon of my process lately: honestly owning what I feel. The hard part for me is figuring out what drives the feelings. Some days I just open it up to my Higher Power and ask for healing. I know I do not need to completely understand everything before it can be healed. In fact, it is actually after the healing begins to take place that I have some illumination. Our Daily Reflections for April 4 reminds us that "True learning has often followed an eclipse...with each cycle of recovery the Light grows stronger."

If that is true, then I can look forward to renewed energy and strength, a positive outlook and a profound sense of well-being. I claim these today because I know they are already being given to me. This work is one of constantly opening to the reassurance that "every one who asks, receives; and he who seeks, finds; and...to who knocks, it will be opened." (Matt. 7:8). Emmet Fox calls this verse "the Magna Charta of personal freedom for every man, woman and child on earth" and states, "...all that (your) Father has is for your using, whether it be health, or supply, or opportunity, or beauty, or joy, or any other of the thoughts of God."

Fox goes on to say, "We have no business to accept ill-health or poverty, or sinfulness, or strife, or unhappiness, or remorse, with resignation. We have no right to accept anything less than freedom and harmony and joy, for only with these things do we glorify God, and express His Holy Will which is our raison d'etre." Perhaps this explains the feeling of disappointment and failure that I have when I lapse into sadness, anxiety or self-pity: I feel as though I have let someone down. Today I see that someone is me.

Fox states: "...this attainment,...our victory over every negative condition, is not merely possible but is definitely promised to us.." And I believe that.

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Sunday, April 17, 2005

We are on the down side of the month. Hard to comprehend some days, this passage of time One gets a glimmer of what time is like in the spirit realm: "A moment is as a thousand days."

This is the first Sunday I have journaled in some time. I have no obligations before me today, but several things I'd like to do. It has been a resorative weekend, and my daughter has smiled at me from her heart the last couple of days. I am almost shocked when I see it. She has been burdened with care for so long It is blissful to see joy on her lovely face.

I believe I have weathered my long separation with grace and perspective, and I have used my time well. Progress. I have thought about many things from Wednesday on. I have examined my feelings in careful detail. I have looked carefully at the longing, the insecurity and fear, and I believe it is time for me to close that chapter. I choose today to look at the joy, the freedom, the quiet and subtle warmth. I want to remember the laughter, the romance, the intimate moments and honor those, cherish those. I cannot thrive in this relationship if I nurture the negative.

I have been given something rare. It is a gift in the truest sense, not a possession. It is a pathway, not a frame. One end is open and I do not know where it will lead. that is for my Higher Power to decide. I will hold my Hiigher Power at the peak of the triangle and I will do my part to be half of a strong foundation. I will try to build with integrity. I will remember that we are equally yoked, and to move forward or backward of my own volition is to throw the team out of tandem. I will wait upon the direction of the Pilot, the Captain, the Commander of this Journey. I know that is the nly true way for growth and prosperity.

I pray for guidance and the wisdom to do The Will. I will remember the blissful moments of these days as I walked in my own Life as One with myself, and ask for continued opportunity to experience that without self-doubt.

My feelings are still disorganized. I pray for clarity around my intention. I want This Life. I am perfect and loved. I am free to care for others as long as I care deeply for myself. I am promised everything I need to be reasonably happy in this Life. I expect joy, for it lies within my reach at all times. I pray to be released from the pain of past mistakes, and to continue to learn from them. I will work always to allow others to do the same, and not regard their emotions as within my realm of influence. And I will remember that my emotions are within that realm. I will open my heart for healing. I will claim the knowing that I am an adored child of God.

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Monday morning, April 18, 2005: celebration

Today I am humbled by both the process of healing and by having witnessed it in loved ones. I am mindful of how I feel when I am watching them struggle. I can see how close they are to breaking through to their freedom; it lies just beyond their pain. I pray for them to be patient, to remain strong and to have courage. When they emerge victorious, it demands nothing less than a celebration.

The beauty of having worked The Steps and already having experienced so much reunion with loved ones entitles me to two things: one, to be physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually present as a witness to these miracles of recovery; two, to be invited to be present.

Not many months ago in a conversation with my son-in-law a Voice spoke into my ear: "Don't miss the miracle." At the time I thought it was speaking to the present, the conversation we were having and the content of it. That was a miracle of sorts, considering the sometimes tenuous past of our relationship.

But yesterday I witnessed a real miracle in his life: illumination. After some weeks of careful consideration and no little concern, he was willing to take steps toward positive growth in such a way that he has totally changed the pathway of his life. I was his homecoming committee; I received an embrace like never before and was moved to tears by the intensity and strength of his newness. My miracle was being present for the experience.

I am beyond grateful today, I cannot articulate the depth of my feelings. I can only pray that such joy be a part of your life today.