Nothing can be more demoralizing than a clinging and abject dependence upon another human being. This often amounts to the demand for a degree of protection and love that no one could possibly satisfy. So our hoped-for protectors finally flee, and once more we are left alone - either to grow up or to disintegrate.
Tuesday morning, May 3, 2005

It is remarkable to me that, as an addict on multiple levels, I am able to manifest anything like healthy behavior in a relationship of any kind. Critical crossroads in a relationship are sort of like falling off a bicycle: the amount of damage you do or do not sustain depends upon several things: the protection you are wearing, the speed at which you are traveling, and where and how you land, to name a few.

Sometimes if we are aware that we are headed for a collision we can take a split second to plan our fall. If we're very fortunate, we can pick up ourselves and the bicycle, dust off the debris and check for damage, and get back on and continue the ride.

I feel fortunate today. I don't know what shape the bike's in, but I'm okay. I may be a little sore later on, but maybe not. And I know I'm not going to give up riding forever. The important thing is to remember that the rider is more important than the bike, and first aid should come before bike repair.

I am wondering what my life needs to look like. Right now I'm being pulled in some direction I only partially understand. I'm trying to keep the channel clear, be attentive and patient. I'm doing great. I've successfully navigated a difficult passage with lots of kinks in it. I think I've kept my eyes on my pathway, annd followed the sound of God's voice when I could not see the Light. There's lots of debris in the water, but I think everyone is safe, and I am grateful. I am content to tread water a little while; some of that debris is likely to be buoyant enough to carry me to shore.

I have learned that I do not have to settle for a relationship that does not nurture me. I am not sure whether or not I am being nurtured right now. What more do I want? I can't think of anything. Should I want more? I don't know. I've been learning that contentment comes with having your needs met, or better said, wanting what you get instead of getting what you want. What I really want right now is to get this eardrum working. I'm tired of being deaf.

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Thursday morning, May 5, 2005: reflections

Sometimes it's just astonishing to look back and see where you've been. The days are flying past me at incredible speed, they are full of discovery and challenge and the occasional miracle.

I remain in a state of continual wonder that I am sober, content to rise in the morning and set about the business of the day. The rewards of this life are too many to enumerate. I am the fascinated audience at the performance of my own life. When I step outside myself and just look at what is happening to me and around me, I can hardly believe it.

Who is this person riding around in this body I've maintained for so long? She doesn't look anything like the person who arrived here in Memphis last July. She also doesn't look anything like anyone I've ever known before. She is beginning to look like the person I always wanted to be.

One of the biggest revelations of the week is that God has given me what I need. He has also given me a lot of what I want. I have trusted Him to care for my life, and asked Him to help me do His will on a daily basis. The flip side of that is that God removes from me the things I do not need. When I resist this, I stall out my own process and I block Divine Providence. By allowing myself to lose things which I do not need, I am free to receive the things which I do need. It is the coming and going, the tenuous nature of the balance of life which sometimes frightens us. When things change too quickly we feel uneasy. To comfort ourselves we cling to what is familiar, even though it may be to our detriment to do so. In addition, we will attempt to avoid the new, the incoming, the different, the strange, the unfamiliar. In that way we shrivel our growth.

My most serene moment this week was coming fully into the knowledge that everything I am, everything I have, is completely within God's management, and that He is doing a wonderful job. He is doing just what I have asked Him to do. I was able to see this and at the same time honor feelings of fear, sadness, anger, disappointment, loss and shock. Closely on the heels of these came peace, contentment, joy, delight, wonder and gratitude.

When we strive for balance in our mind, we are able to experience balance in our heart.

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In a letter to a friend, AA's co-founder Bill W. once wrote, "Nothing can be more demoralizing than a clinging and abject dependence upon another human being. This often amounts to the demand for a degree of protection and love that no one could possibly satisfy. So our hoped-for protectors finally flee, and once more we are left alone - either to grow up or to disintegrate." We discover, in The Program, that the best possible source of emotional stability is our Higher Power. We find that dependence upon His perfect justice, forgiveness and love is healthy, and that it works where nothing else will.

Do I depend on my Higher Power?

May I realize that I am a dependent person. I have depended upon chemicals to alter my moods and attitudes. I have also developed parasitic attachments for others. May I stop making unrealistic emotional demands on others, which only serve to choke off mature human relationships and to leave me bewildered and let down. Only God can provide the kind of whole-hearted love which I, as a dependent person, seem to need. May I depend first upon God.

Today I will remember God offers perfect love...
Saturday morning, May 7, 2005: feelings and hope

It has been a long and interesting week. I had minor surgery of the ear on Thursday afternoon and wasn't quite prepared for the amount of pain I came home with. I had returned a call to my dad and ended up talking to my mom, who made me cry with her offer to "come home" and let her take care of me. While Mom's brand of caregiving can be pretty nervewracking at times, I was touched nonetheless by the offer and began to cry. By the time I got home I was ready for narcotic relief. I took a pain pill and lay down to rest. Family members trickled upstairs to check on me and we all sat on the bed and read from "The Maiden King" and discussed relationships. In about an hour I was relieved of my pain, physical and emotional. I was also rid of a huge burden of psychological pain that comes from being sick and deaf.

In talking with my daughter this morning she reminds me that, although I feel so much better and am back to pretty much a normal work routine, I am still not fully recovered, on multiple levels. We discussed how some days, in spite of doing all the things it requires to be healthy, we feel at times ashamed, lonely, frustrated, weak, anxious, doubtful and unsure. We recognize the need to give voice to these feelings, and how in doing so we remove much of their sting. There was no more obvious example of how this works for me in the events of Thursday evening: I allowed myself to feel my feelings, to show my emotions, and to allow others in thought, word or deed to support me.

I am so much more fortunate than many of us who must tackle their processes without the support of many friends and family. My program is vital for this reason. There have been times when I did not have ready access to friends or family for one reason or another. But there was always someone in recovery somewhere who was ready to listen and help. And there still is today, and knowing that gives me hope.

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