Relieved of the alcohol obsession, their lives unaccountably transformed, they came to believe in a Higher Power, and most of them began to talk of God.
Thursday, November 11
opening to Spirit, doing God's will; being of service to others
Each person is like an actor who wants to run the whole show...if only people would do as he wished, the show would be great.
...we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt.
First of all, we had to quit playing God...we decided that...God was going to be our Director. Most good ideas are simple, and this concept was the keystone of the new and triumphant arch through which we passed to freedom.
Friday, November 12
more on opening to Spirit, doing God's will; being of service to others
...faith did for us what we could not do for ourselves...God can remove whatever self-will has blocked you off from Him.
...just how and by what specific means shall we be able to let Him in? ...anyone at all can begin to do it. We can further add that a beginning, even the smallest, is all that is needed.
For just so long as we were convinced that we could live exclusively by our own individual strength and intelligence, for just that long was a working faith in a Higher Power impossible.
Saturday, November 13
sex and self-will
It is nowhere evident, at least in this life, that our Creator expects us fully to eliminate our instinctual drives...Since most of us are born with an abundance of natural desires, it isn't strange that we often let these far exceed their intended purpose.
We remembered always that our sex powers were God-given and therefore good, neither to be used lightly or selfishly nor to be despised and loathed.
...we treat sex as we would any other problem. In meditation, we ask God what we should do about each specific matter. The right answer will come, if we want it.
Our very lives, as ex-problem drinkers, depend upon our constant thought of others and how we may help meet their needs.
Thursday, November 11, 2004: opening to Spirit, doing God's will; being of service to others

It seems simple enough to conclude that if I don’t know what I want, I can let God choose for me.

That, on the whole, is a poor argument for seeking God’s Will, that somehow we do God’s Will by default because of a lack of clarity or abundance of confusion. Yet in the big picture, that is often what we do.

When the best of our plans and dreams dwindle into dust, we lift up our eyes for help and guidance, and sometimes only then avail ourselves to the great Remedy that exists in full measure, eternally and endlessly. How is it that we change our mindset to accommodate this truth? Perhaps by beginning each day in silent thought, meditation, the reading of a gentle inspiration or affirmation. We change our mindset by opening ourselves to the God Who Is, allowing that Spirit to permeate our hearts and minds without reservation.

When immersed in the Spirit, one feels at peace and in concert with nature, with the natural order of events and their consequent resolution. The squawking of human-made concerns and anxieties fade into a minor irritation, a buzzing at the shoulder that is no more significant than a persistent fly. It is our tendency to endow this fly with the power of an eagle that keeps us in fear and indecision.

God’s Will for us can only manifest in His good time, by that I mean when proper and optimum circumstances prevail. A launch in inclement weather is sure to be difficult and at best uncomfortable. A mission scrubbed on behalf of the best for its passengers is no failure, but rather a kind consideration for the ultimate welfare of all. So do not take responsibility for that which is being managed for you, perhaps in your behalf. God redeems us all with His mercy, and those who walk in the light of His beacon will find themselves on a glittering shore, at the edge of the Water of Life.

Perhaps it is no accident that this channel is opened after a long and torturous series of steps toward my own personal healing. Initially, I made the decision to take my idle days and spend them helping loved ones in whatever way I could. During those days I tried to “fix” them or myself, and typically met with resistance on their part and frustration on mine.

Then there were days when I asserted myself more gently. That led to more of a success, with something more like gratitude and less like resentment from the recipient. On other days I primarily focused on myself. My favors were limited mostly to menial tasks of domestic labor: make an unmade bed, wash a dirty glass, empty the trash, wipe down a countertop. Sometimes these little tasks went unobserved and thankless. Or so I thought at the time.

Then I began to notice a change in my relationships. The healthy ones became more rewarding, the unhealthy ones seemed to hold less sway over me and my everyday decisions. I found it easier to avoid unhealthy behavior. And during those times when I wanted to act out or push the envelope, so to speak, I found God doing for me what I could not do for myself.

Conversations quickly turned to the true and factual rather than the artificial or superficial. In the face of this honest communication it was difficult for seduction or manipulation to thrive. The game was disappointing, the illusion of power shrunken by this purpose: I am trying to do the right thing for the right reason.

God knows my heart. He knows I am weary of chaos; He knows, because I tell Him, that much of the day I do not know how to make a right decision. But with His Help, stepping carefully, or sometimes remaining still, I can flourish in His Grace, and find myself in a happy day, at peace with myself and those about me, regardless of my material welfare, my financial or employment status, or my current health.

I know that the way to personal redemption is through service to others, and I believe He will always provide a means for me to serve within my present limits. God has dealt with me gently, allowing me to resurrect and recover my gifts, to use them as properly intended, without the distortion of self-will or self-promotion. And of those things I must be ever watchful.

It is easy for those of poor self-esteem to fasten like a leech upon that or upon whoever offers the least bit of affirmation. As Emmet Fox says, do not limit yourself to the diamonds of yellow clay, but press on to the rich blue clay and beyond, to “the sublime fact that beneath the blue clay there are more and still more and richer strata, awaiting the touch of spiritual perception--on and on to infinity.”
back to top

Friday, November 12, 2004: more on opening to Spirit, doing God's will; being of service to others

When I read the pages from yesterday I can feel my heart swell up, I lose my breath. I feel compelled to share this with those who may be encouraged by it. Do I expect some kind of praise? I don't think so. I think it must be something like the wish to share Good News. Perhaps it is that which Emmet Fox describes, saying, "our lives are just the result of the kind of thoughts we have chosen to hold; and therefore they are of our own ordering; and therefore there is perfect justice in the universe.”

Do we become the vessel rather than the bearer? Are we passive recipients of God’s message? Is it as simple as the internal fact of opening our hearts and minds that we allow God’s goodness and mercy to flow into us?

I think, as someone said yesterday, when we are broken, God rushes in. I think when we drink, drug, work, screw, eat, gamble to numb our pain, we obliterate that sense of God rushing in, and miss the miracle of His healing.

When by self-will we forcibly hold together the fragments of our broken shell, we resist God’s attempt to reach and heal us. It is only by admitting powerlessness and by the act of letting go that God’s miracle of healing can begin. At that point, we are faced with the process of recovery. But we are human; eventually impatience overtakes us. We tire of recuperation in almost every form. That impatience is natural and normal; the healthy individual yearns for wholeness.

On the other hand, it is imperative that, to effect optimum healing, we test our limits. This may indeed be painful, and it is not uncommon for us at this point to confuse the pain of healing with the pain of disease. Here we seek the counsel and comfort of The Great Physician, who encourages us to continue our therapy, no matter how mundane or uncomfortable, because that is the path to recovery. The reward is subtle; we do not regain freedom of movement in great bursts, but in a slow, gradual, sometimes uneven improvement in strength and stamina.

At this point I pause to affirm and express my gratitude to the Spirit that flows through me to scribe these words onto the page. I know not in particular who the Spirit is, but I know that it is from the higher plane of consciousness, somewhere above my everyday realm of thought.

That a crumpled life like mine could be the passageway for such beauty and hope is beyond what I can possibly comprehend or understand. That it has been offered to me is truly awesome and humbling; that it manifested itself here in my journal is an item of wonder. As my affirmation of today says, “I never seem to get enough of what I want.’ I want to go on and on writing, but the channel grows weary and the body cannot be absent from the acts of daily living. However, “my fulfillment wells from within, flows from my inner self, independent of outside events.” And I can take that with me anywhere I go.
back to top

Saturday, November 13, 2004: sex and self-will

It is a beautiful day and i was up before daybreak. I thought of Ben Franklin’s “healthy, wealthy and wise” with my first coffee. The reading this morning was disturbingly illuminating. Disturbing in that so many of us are missing the point in an attempt to be Godly. Illuminating in that it never occurred to me to think of habits, ideas and misconceptions as “possessions” that “keep us chained to the rock of suffering that is our exile from God.” This language gives me a strong handle to grip, a rudder to pilot my way through the swamplands of my soul.

What of relationships and sex in general? Miss X said she tended to lust after those who appear to have power or authority of some kind; those who seem stable, secure, responsible. I have often said we are drawn to those that seem to manifest that which we lack in our lives. Which explains my current struggles: I am captivated by the color, the uniqueness, the courage (or brass) to step out, be noticed, to shrug off the shackles of polite convention. I sense a kindred spirit in the gadfly. I am wooed by humility and gentle tenderness, by the patience that manifests even under stress. And I probably just have some romantic triggers of my own making that have little to do with reality.

These are all possessions, these thoughts, yearnings. How does one escape them? By completely obliterating the physical self from one’s consciousness? By seeking to numb one’s feelings? to maintain a monklike existence absent from all manner of pleasure?

I believe that God created me intact and whole, that the child I was at four loved people, loved touching them for the sheer joy of human connection. That the thrill of physical contact was not necessarily sexual but procreative in the purest sense, that positive energy is generated by human touch. That sexual feelings are incidental and not fundamental. And that the joy of procreation can fuel the artist, yielding that which pleases the eyes, ears, lips and mind.

Perhaps an excess of sex does short-circuit the creative juices, but perhaps also there is a reverse phenomenon: when an artist is midstream the current of inspiration, the desire to embrace the world becomes so powerful that one naturally releases desire upon that or those nearest and most available for physical/spiritual exchange. The best sex is so obviously more than just the physical, and those who limit themselves to such seem to reap terrible consequences.

In conclusion, such conflicts of yearning and yielding can exile us from God. The distortion or shame surrounding that which is beautiful, natural, and after all, God-given, keeps us locked in a prison of our own making, a dark chamber of hopelessness that shuts out the Sunlight of the Spirit. So it remains that to stay open to God, one must address the conflict rather than the circumstances.
back to top