...trouble and suffering are often extremely useful, because many people will not bother to learn the truth until driven to do so by sorrow and failure. — The Sermon on the Mount
As we go through the day we pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action.
Monday, November 15
restless, irritable and discontent
...overdependence upon people is unsuccessful because all people are fallible, and even the best of them will sometimes let us down, especially when our demands for attention become unreasonable.
It became clear that if we ever were to feel emotionally secure among grown-up people, we would have to put our lives on a give-and-take basis; we would have to develop the sense of being in partnership or brotherhood with all those around us. We saw that we would need to give constantly of ourselves without demand for repayment.
Tuesday, November 16
what do i do next?
What is his basic trouble? Is he not really a self-seeker even when trying to be kind? Is he not a victim of the delusion that he can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if he only manages well?...Is he not, even in his best moments, a producer of confusion rather than harmony?
...we have great possessions in the way of preconceived ideas— confidence in our own judgment, and in the ideas with which we happen to be familiar: spiritual pride, born of academic distinction; sentimental or material attachment to institutions and organizations; habits of life that we have no desire to renounce; concern for human respect, or perhpas fear of public ridicule; or a vested interest in worldly honor and distinction. And these possessions keep us chained to the rock of suffering that is our exile from God.
- The Sermon on the Mount
Wednesday, November 17
power, power; who has the power?
In thinking about our day we may face indecision. We may not be able to determine which course to take. Here we ask God for inspiration, an intuitive thought or a decision. We relax and take it easy. We don't struggle. We are often surprised how the right answers come after we have tried this for awhile.
We are sure that God wants us to be happy, joyous and free.
Friday, November 19
fear of the unknown
A body badly burned by alcohol does not often recover overnight nor do twisted thinking and depression vanish in a twinkling.
Monday, November 15, 2004: restless, irritable and discontent

I’ve heard it said often in meetings that on the mornings we fail to pray, meditate, center ourselves spiritually, we set ourselves up for a bad day. I’ve always wondered if that were necessarily and exclusively true. Whether true or not, I certainly experienced that phenomenon yesterday.

The distraction was simple and innocent on its face: my grandson came upstairs and crawled into bed with me. His parents came looking for him and stayed for coffee and cartoons. Then my daughter invited me to breakfast, and I stayed to gossip and counsel. I just did make my 10:30 meeting, breathless. The topic was “Why are we here?” I wanted to share but wouldn’t assert myself. I am still unsure about sharing unless recognized, and now I see that is a matter which needs some attention.

As it happened, I bottled up all the emotion that welled up inside me, and by the end of the meeting, I was fairly agitated. Here I probably made my third mistake of the day: instead of tarrying for fellowship, I hurried off to pick up the materials for my next job. I was not to have the energy to even begin it, but once it was sitting in my living quarters, I could gaze upon it like some idol, its very presence emanating some promise of financial ease.

And so it happened that by the time I was involved in a family outing, I was "restless, irritable and discontent". I could not abandon myself to the joy of the occasion or even simply enjoy the companionship of loved ones because by that time I was too needy. In the 12 & 12 (p 115) we read “...if we ever were to feel emotionally secure among grown-up people, we would have to put our lives on a give-and-take basis...”

I did spend some time last night in regret for a day poorly managed. Frankly, it was more than regret; it was self-pity. My first thought this morning was to set up a new rule for myself: no more outings of that sort. I didn’t like being relegated to the position of fifth wheel; I felt I was entitled to more than that. Then my morning meditation reminded me that when hurt I tend to erect barriers that not only keep out the pain, but also keep out the love.

The facts are these:
1. The day was not a total loss. I experienced one episode of discomfort that brought me back to focusing on where I went wrong. That episode therefore was a valuable experience.
2. I could have stopped AT ANY TIME during the day to open myself to my Higher Power, and I did not. I have created a sort of magic bubble around my morning routine, but the Source is available at any time.
3. I need a lot more work! The old ways of thinking and doing are amazingly persistent, and we fall back on them so very easily.

So I guess my prayers for humility are being granted to me in swift and obvious fashion! Because on the whole, this passage been humbling, and I am looking in the mirror at one who is powerless after all. And I thank God for dealing with me so gently, and for guiding me through it all. Because somehow I managed to keep my fit of frustration within my own area, and didn’t feel compelled to spread it out over everyone within reach. And that is another miracle, more evidence that this stuff really works.
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Tuesday, November 16, 2004: what do i do next?

I think it accurate to say that I am fairly agitated, and being aware of that, I know that I should walk out into the world with great care for my actions and thoughts. I know of no solution for my distress other than to open myself completely to God’s Will. It is at times like this that I realize that I simply do not have a proper set of tools for determining right action; but, with help, I can stick to the task of acquiring them.

I am faced with the prospect of uprooting myself from my current living situation and attempting some sort of independent life. And so I am fraught with fear: fear that I will fall short and/or fail. Fear that I will manage poorly. The Big Book advises us of the folly of attempting to manage well.

I got the news yesterday. After a meeting, I was less fearful; this morning on rising, a little better still. Taken incrementally, by the time it is necessary for me to change, with God’s guidance, I will be ready. Nothing is urgent or immediate. I have friends and family who want to help.

Think I might have a little panic disorder going one? Yeehaa! I can feel all the energy collecting into a big octopus inside my chest, tentacles stretching down into my arms and stomach. What a shame, all that precious energy going to waste on such a useless activity as fear. I’m aware I have “trust issues” and I guess that extends to God, too. Somehow I have managed to delude myself into thinking that I was holding everything together by sheer effort of will, when it was God holding it together while I was falling apart. What looked like me exerting power was indeed me losing power. Squeezing it out by clinging to tightly to the illusion. Blocking it out by separating myself from those who would help me. Of course I do have spiritual gifts; I made the mistake of thinking these were MY powers. I must always keep in mind the Native American truth that nothing is truly ever owned; it is given and returned as needed. The Big Book describes us as working for others by allowing our Higher Power to move THROUGH us. And Emmet Fox reminds us that our preconceived ideas keep us chained to the rock of suffering that is our exile from God.

So what is the big notion here? That I am a Doer, a person of action, goal-oriented, solution-seeker. Looks great on a resume. Doesn’t work on the path to sobriety. At least not mine, not today. It seems the very things I worked so hard to hone and polish while forging a career are what are keeping me in fear and uncertainty.

I can work through the fear; I can use my analytic mind to dissect the fear and make a list: what am I afraid of? and just write it all down. On paper I can see that the things that raise apprehension are, one and all, material. D. S. said he figured out that people act in a desperate way because they believe there isn’t "enough”. God not only promises enough; He promises abundance. And for Him to work truly through me, I must first allow Him to give, and then acknowledge the Giver. If I am remiss in this, then I become the detached, ungrateful individual of whom I am of so critical. In order for others to receive from me, I must first receive from God.
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Wednesday, November 17, 2004: power, power; who has the power?

It occurs to me that twice have I left my work to be with the man who is my husband: the first time, my physical work; the second time, my spiritual work. Both decisions were premature, and today I am still processing the consequences of both those premature decisions. The word “premature” surfaced in my conversation with my sponsor last night; it was one she wrestled to articulate, but it popped into my head as she was thinking about it. I related to her the awareness I had around the Big Book passage “We relax and take it easy.” I commented that I can’t even comprehend that condition, in my current state. But I expect that I will if I continue to “practice these principles.”

I have spent the better part of two days wrangling with the decision to reconcile with my husband, and finally last night arrived at the truth: I believe that reconciliation will cost me my sobriety. Note my feeling here: not, “I’m afraid,” or “I’m worried,” but “I believe.” And digging deeper, this belief is rooted not in the fear of what he might do to me, but in the knowledge of myself as an alcoholic and codependent. My own addictions will compel me to grab that first drink or that first lie. I have often wondered how and when it is that Al-Anons know they have “relapsed,” and I think I am beginning to understand.

I also became aware this morning in my early meditation that I give so much power to other people, and so little to God. If I could only get so far as to believe that my Higher Power is capable, at the very least, of doing the things I believe other humans can do, I would be so much further ahead! And maybe some of these things He is trying to teach me would be learned at last! I think my trying to imagine life without my husband is like a white-chipper saying he can’t imagine life without alcohol. I do remember saying those words myself in 1989, and how gently everyone laughed. Because they knew what lay ahead of me was a richer, fuller life in which I could embrace a world as “happy, joyous and free.” I know that God helps those alcoholics who aren’t convinced of Him, but simply make a decision to turn it over. I have seen it happen. I think I have enough proof of God’s mercy in my own life to believe that He will, in His good time, provide for me what I need when I need it. He has been so gentle with me, even when I wanted to take on more. He has even given me the space to bite off more than I could chew, and the grace to free me from the extra burden I took on in a moment of self-will. And I see this “space and grace” in the tiniest areas and occasions of my daily life.

I guess the fact that I am able to contribute anything at all to anyone is a manifestation of my Higher Power flowing through me, because without it I feel like an empty shell. And I only feel cut off from that power when I try to take charge and “manage well.”
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Thursday, November 18, 2004: notes

(Today’s journal is simply notes on Emmet Fox’s The Sermon on the Mount, page 27.)

“This gnomic saying* is actually The Philosopher’s Stone...that turns the base metal of limitation and trouble into the gold of “comfort” or true harmony.”

The “earth” equals a manifestation (the result of a cause. All causation is mental.)

“Your body and all your affairs...are but the manifestation of your own mental states.”

“...your ‘earth’ means the whole of your outer experience, and to ‘inherit the earth’ means to have dominion over that outer experience; ...to have power to bring your conditions of life into harmony and true success.”

Meekness is open-mindedness + faith in God + realization that the Will of God for us is always something joyous/ vital/ interesting/much better than anything we could think of for ourselves.
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Friday, November 19, 2004: fear of the unknown

It’s interesting to watch as this journaling unfolds itself onto the page. I’ve tried not to keep a regimented format, but rather jot down the obvious thoughts in mind, using the practice acquired in The Artist's Way. I find it’s true that once I get past the superfluous chatter in my head, deeper insights are to be mined.

I have been, on the whole, jittery the last few days. The slightest discord from any quarter tends to unsettle me. I think this may be a physiological problem for the most part, as if I’ve had too much caffeine or I’m experiencing raging PMS. I’m sensitive to criticism and unintentional slights by others. Is this a fundamental aspect of alcoholism? Or are some humans inclined to be thin-skinned no matter what?

Thankfully I have tools to work through the jitters, regardless of origin. I know many times my anxiety could only be allayed by alcohol, and as with all my meds, the drug only treated the symptoms, and not the source of the problem.

So why am I so nervous? Fear of the unknown probably best covers it all. I feel like I am confronting a blizzard without a coat. By moving toward a more spiritual way of life I am learning how to depend less on being rescued by others, and that is unsettling for some folks around me.

I think fear of others is a kind of resentment. How can we truly be of service to those whom we fear, when that fear cuts off the exchange of spirit? That fear locks us up, closes our channel. The Big Book pages on inventory show us that indeed, many resentments are the result of a fear of some kind.

With many of us, the deep emotion at the root of our fear is horror at the prospect of losing control. We are afraid that we will cry, yell, rage, become violent. We are afraid that we will unravel, grovel, wail like an infant. We are afraid that we will show ourselves to be what we are afraid we truly are. But the Big Book story “Freedom from Bondage” asserts: “...I will have peace of mind in exact proportion to the peace of mind I bring into the lives of other people, and it has taught me...'happy are ye who know things and do them.’”

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