| More and more we became interested in seeing what we could contribute to life. |
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Sunday, November 21
a little gratitude |
| Fix your attention wholeheartedly upon spiritual things, and meanwhile do all that needs to be done in the ordinary way; and without consciously trying to make haste you will be amazed to discover the pace at which your soul has hastened. |
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Monday, November 22
a little hope |
| ...throw the responsibility for success upon God. |
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Tuesday, November 23
a little more gratitude |
| ...if our prayers are successful, we shall naturally have all the material things that we need. - The Beatitudes  |
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Thursday, November 25
some "drinking thinking", looking at a resentment, finding the way back to the Light |
| It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness... For when harboring such feelings we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns... |
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Saturday, November 27
seeking God's will in relationships |
| If I could stick to Him and listen, I would make it. |
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| If you truly live this life, then it does not in the least matter what your present circumstances may be, or what difficulties you may have to struggle against, you will triumph over them all... — The Beatitudes |
I am feeling very tired today, but I have had an unusually active weekend. Keeping my grandson for 48 hours turned out to be a truly wonderful time. I did miss going to meetings, but spent quite a bit of time entering my journal onto the Web site. Review was satisfying, because the issues that so troubled me last week seem so insignificant today, at least in terms of the capacity they have to trouble me. I feel, on the whole, pretty happy, content with the present and looking forward to the future. Nothing much has really changed except the things in my head. I am, I guess, more comfortable with my decisions, both those made and those yet to be made. I am just comfortable with where I am today.
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Monday, November 22, 2004: a little hope
I begin my journal this day late morning, truly happy, feeling myself to be the recipient of great good fortune -- all as the result of hope, given to me by my Higher Power. I am convinced my happiness is the direct result of weeks of work in pursuit of a spiritual road map. I am ill, fighting a new case of bronchitis; the least exertion causes me to break a sweat. Yet somehow by some miracle I had the inspiration to contact three people on my own behalf regarding potential income. One of those worked out right away, and I got a free months’ web hosting. Maybe it’ll turn into something more lucrative, or at least a barter situation. I also contacted a writer and sent a tickler to a prospective client. Had a call from group member R. last night, no message. Returned the call today, saying I was getting bronchitis. I do feel worse after all my exertion in the rain; thankfully it’s not cold outside. But my chest and throat hurt and my nose is dripping, so I’m in my Tshirt, drinking cold water, staying put.
Tuesday, November 23, 2004: a little more gratitude
Suddenly I have a whopping case of bronchitis, and I had a rough night, but I couldn’t rest until I had read and journaled, at least a little. My reading was regarding “money and material things”. It was surprising to realize that I can now “cheerfully perform humble labor without worrying about tomorrow.” I also find it easier today to allow myself to rest and recover without the agitation of anxiety about “getting things done.” I am so fortunate to be living with my daughter, who is willing to go to the drugstore for me and get the things I need. I just hand her the list and the money; she doesn’t need a lot of explanation or direction. She is so capable and caring. I am also, finally, grateful for a crappy day weatherwise: my son-in-law is able to take care of the boy while his mom goes to class. And it’s her short day. So in spite of feeing terrible physically, I am cheered, consoled and very, very grateful to God and all the angels for taking care of things.
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Thursday, November 25, 2004: some "drinking thinking", looking at a resentment, finding the way back to the Light
Yesterday was just lovely and the weather lifted my spirits, so I probably pushed a little too hard. J.C. called this a.m. with holiday wishes, such a kind person. Wish I could take something to give me a little energy, but think I need to work on conservation and prudence instead.
I am very content right now. The little itches of material desire seem to pass quickly, and I have enough fellowship to keep me from getting lonely. This is the first Thanksgiving I remember in decades that I haven’t been involved in preparing a meal. I am trying to be grateful. I am trying to see myself at my brother’s house with relatives I hardly know. I am truly grateful they don’t drink. A glass of wine would be so nice. But I cannot drink just one glass.
I am just sitting here wishing I could get out of going. I will pray for God’s will and guidance, and then just forget about it. As the Big Book says, resentment is the number one offender. Then pages 66-67 explain exactly how to face such a dilemma, and extend the promise that “God will show us how.” and on 68 reminds us “we...play the role He assigns.” With those words of guidance and reassurance, I feel I can take this trip and be a part of the event, without feeling that I have to give up anything. In addition, I can content myself with the expectation that more will be revealed if I keep an open mind.
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Saturday, November 27, 2004: seeking God's will in relationships
Seems like Sunday because of the holiday. I’m so restless because I’m limited by this bronchitis. Can’t talk very long, or go into the cold air. But reading the Big Book this a.m. almost makes me feel like I’ve been to a meeting. There’s something soothing about reading the story of another recovering alcoholic. It gives one hope.
The story of “Number Three” dovetailed nicely with the short passage from TSOTM. Fox is explaining the term “meek,” and how that describes Moses. Fox says, “...to conform oneself rigorously to the will of God ...could only mean a finer and better and more splendid life.”
This striving for God's Will has brought me to yet another level in how I look at my marriage. I don’t think I have, up to now, really just put the relationship in God’s hands. My decisions have been more about what I think I should do, rather than what God wants me to do. Turning over the relationship enables me to be in it without having to pin down how I feel about it or what I should do about it. Turning it over allows me to accept what once felt like limbo as simply the current state of things.
I am okay with my inability to define what I have or what I want in an intimate relationship, because right now I am focused on my primary relationship, the one I have with my Higher Power. That may or may not be the same as the relationship I have with myself. Anyway, I believe if the former is in good and harmonious balance, the latter will flourish of its own accord. Then all subsequent relationships will benefit and grow according to the measure of spirituality within the other person. And here I must remind myself that I cannot judge the spirituality of another person.
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