Willingness, honesty and openmindedness are the essentials of recovery. But these are indispensable.
Above all, we reject fantasizing and accept reality.
Some of us once had great self-confidence, but it didn't fully solve the fear problem, or any other...we are now on a different basis... We trust infinite God rather than our finite selves. We are in the world to play the role he assigns.
Friday, December 3
inventory time
The spiritual life is not a theory. We have to live it.
Monday, November 29, 2004: Thus We Grow

I began this day feeling unusually well, considering how ill I am. There are multiple factors contributing to this, but they pretty much all stem from gratitude, or at least gratitude is the resulting emotion of said factors.

I cannot help but believe that this sense of well-being is directly due to my spiritual condition. When I try to dissect the last 24 hours, there is nothing so obvious to explain my state. I spoke with my husband at length yesterday, I had coffee with my family in the morning time, I progressed on a quilt project, I had a quiet afternoon and evening. There were actually incidents and conditions which would ordinarily have put me off-center: the aforementioned talk with T., galloping bronchitis which restricts my talking, a bank balance of less than $30, a feeling of loneliness at suppertime, and the need to retire before 9 because of sickness. I had a near-miserable night, but dragged myself from bed to arrive at the doctor’s office by 8 a.m. It was a beautiful morning, fall colors still bright against the sunny blue sky. I enjoyed listening to NPR in the car because my CD player is jammed.

An on and on. This morning I read “To Employers” in the BB and Emmet Fox share on “blessed are the righteous.” R. called to get help with a tight schedule, and we are blessed that I am able to assist.

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Thursday, December 2, 2004: Trust?

I have uncovered a hideous aspect of my very nature. I don’t know quite how to articulate it, except to say that I simply do not trust the people that I love to be honest with me when it comes to fairness. I guess I believe that I have perpetuated this persona of giver/victim, that allows others to take from me anything they want or need, but only give back what they have in excess or feel they can afford to be without. I am suspicious, looking for proof that others do not really love me. What a tragic mindset. Having opened this up for examination, I feel exposed and vulnerable, and I don’t quite know where to go with it. But right now I must stick with looking at myself and examining the wound and the source of the problem. Later on I can think about getting outside help. Because first I must consciously turn this one over to God for healing. I will never be able to manage a healthy relationship until this fundamental flaw is on its way to healing.

What does the BB say about trust? As always, I turn to “How It Works.”

"We ask him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what He would have us be.” page 68

Funny how my journal is becoming more and more just writing down text from my reading. It feels kind of like I’m in a classroom, listening to a lecture, taking notes. Some of it is quoted, the part I take in, and some is what comes back out.

It is at times like this that I pray my simplest prayers: “Oh, God, help me. You know my heart. Open it to accept Your Will. You know better than I what I truly need.”

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Friday, December 3, 2004: inventory time

Since I have begun to blog my journal I am finding that I spend my reading time in the morning looking for pithy quotes to support my writing rather than looking for guidance and edification. I must remember not to get the cart before the horse. It is my nature as a businessperson to see the most efficient way to manage tasks, but this need for efficiency is one of the things that got me here in the first place.

So I have resolved to set aside a separate time for my Web work, and redeem that morning space as an opportunity for inspiration and reflection.

I find, as an artist, that I, like many other artists, have a tendency to take that which I enjoy, or that which juices me, and attempt to exploit it. We artists sometimes treat the precious as a commodity; we think we can add a little water and make it go further. But this dilution has its consequences, and soon we have mass-produced something which looks like art, but really isn’t.

I guess, as an alcoholic, I try to do that with anything and everything that gives me pleasure. I try to control it. I try to ensure a never-ending supply of the thing that gives me joy, satisfaction, “ease and comfort.” And it takes me right out of the role as recipient: when I am “running the whole show,” I am not in a position to allow God to extend His mercy to me. I am not able to let others give of themselves to me. And I am too busy to witness the small moments of wonder that sometimes sprout into true spiritual growth.

Now, in the past, I would have flung aside any activity that might take on the aspect of a “slippery place”, and thus thrown out the baby with the bathwater. Today I can see my mistakes as I make them and change direction. I do not have to be afraid of a little growth. And I can get back to my original intention: to help carry the message.

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If you are not progressing as fast as you wish to, the remedy is -- to be still more careful to hold only harmonious thoughts. Do not dwell upon your mistakes or upon the slowness of your progress, but claim the Presence of God with you...The Beatitudes