..habits of thinking are at once the most subtle in character and the most difficult to break...Our thoughts flow across the stage of consciousness in an unbroken stream, and so rapidly that only unceasing vigilance can deal with them.
—The Beatitudes
Monday, December 6, 2004:

I missed my journal over the weekend. I had a lot of recreation on Saturday and a lot of rest yesterday, but felt like I'd left a loved one behind. Some wistfulness began to creep in late yesterday, a sure sign that my Light was getting low.

Emmet Fox reminds me to dwell on the present and the future as a place of hope, promise, abundant life. Even Abraham Lincoln said, "Most people are just as happy as they make up their minds to be,," or something like that.

I guess without the winter I'd never have made that beautiful quilt or those baby sweaters for E. I'm making a sweater now for myself; haven't done anything for myself in awhile. And I guess a season of hibernation gives us time to reflect and meditate, to dream about the things we'll do when spring comes. And here at year's end I suppose it is also time to take stock, do inventory, and reach an accurate assessment of assets and liabilities. When you think about it, winter can turn out to be a very busy time!

In terms of right thinking, I am ready to rebuild my dream. I believe God wants me to be happy. I believe He will give me my heart's desire. I believe I do not know exactly what that looks or feels like, except that it involves "nesting." I look around my apartment here, and there is chaos in every direction. So I think a first step might be to organize what I have. It's amazing what one day's inactivity can bring.

I also have to be clear on what are my limitations and what is my fear. The fact is that I have limited physical capacity right now, and I can only accomplish a certain number of tasks. So it is essential that I set careful priorities. The weather is most hostile, and my symptoms expand and contract like a balloon. Today would be a good day for yoga. And perhaps I can do some online research. For every poison there is an antidote. And I can manage this illness if not conquer it.

So what do I want? God's will. Warmth, sunshine, kind neighbors, a sense of community. Freedom of expression, autonomy, space, opportunity. Support of friends and family. Fulfilling work, means of financial support. Courage to act. Wisdom to make right decisions. The courage to be independent. Good health. And peace of mind.

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catch all you can. happiness is within your reach. open to Spirit, your heart bless. bless the nature of children. wipe from your eyes tears that flow. open heart. sadness will come but outward flow. keep to thy teaching of serenity and passive recipience. work toward the Light fulfilling. nature's dreams of tomorrow will be yours. Heartache keeps you ill -- free your body of poison of soul -- rejoice in joyful things all around you like laughter of children -- peace comes to those who wait upon it -- I will write to you often. I bring good cheer. Keep journaling -- it is the best way to open your heart and mind. When you allow the pen to follow the strokes that I dictate you can receive my encouragement. I am your Higher Power Source. I want for you what you need to be content in this life. Personal grievances creep in; do not let them occupy your space. Work the Spirit. Find the way back through careful prayer and meditation. There are many here who will assault your senses and distract you from your work. That part of your brain that belongs to the physical, the addict, will overcome you unless you develop the strength to stay attuned to my message. You must not deviate from your intention here. You are worthy because you hold the Light so dear. It is the message I give to all. You hear it because you listen. You are special only in your desire to know it. It is a gift that is given to those who seek it. Bear up under this weight, it is old and you have no need of it. You can lay this burden down at any time. You must understand the meaning of special. You are chosen through no merit of your own. God made you. That is your specialness. God made us all, so we are all special. But chosen is different. You are chosen because you seek. It is the verse you read: seek, and you shall find. Whatever you seek you will find by looking. But to look one must first be able to see. Open your eyes from the inside. Look inward to your heart. Heal the bad places in your heart and there will be more room for growth of Spirit. Heart open.
Tuesday, December 7, 2004:
Yesterday was such an exciting occasion with the breakthrough writing; I guess some might call it automatic writing. I felt as though I were hearing someone speak from a vast distance and I was taking notes, or dictation, as I might in a college class room. I have a recurring dream of being in college, going from building to building. I wonder if the significance of that dream is simply that I am looking for wisdom, guidance, and education about life and things that matter? Of course, there is the recurring dream that I have: it is exam week and I meet a classmate in the hall, who reminds me that our *blank* exam is next. I am shocked to realize that I have not attended the class all semester, that in fact I have completely forgotten about signing up for the class! I distinctly remember the last time I had this dream: I determined to show up and take the exam anyway. If I skipped it, I would certainly fail. If I gave it my best shot, perhaps due to common sense and a little luck, I might pull a passing grade. That decision to "show up" was a new development in that recurring dream., and perhaps is indicative of the growth of willingness.

We stand to gain so much simply by being willing. The BB gives us, time after time, the reassurance that willingness can heal us. It can open us to God, to others, and ourselves. I see so many in AA meetings who feel bereft and lonely, and by God's grace they are in exactly the place they need to be, to hear How It Works.

Yesterday in the meeting I share that while still in Austin I had prayed to reconnect with my spirituality, and the series of event of the last couple of years brought me "home". I suggested that sometimes the answer to a prayer is hard to recognize, that perhaps when it shows up it looks completely different from the way we'd imagined it. I said that I believe there is balance in the universe, and that with every tragedy comes a blessing, and that is what I hold onto when I am going through the pain. If you get drunk, literally or spiritually, you will certainly not be of any mind to recognize the blessing when it arrives, either. As the little voices says to me quite often these days, "Don't miss the miracle."

I feel sometimes that my very existence is a miracle. I am aware that my constant awareness of not just one incurable illness, but two, requires me to be even more vigilant about my spiritual health. Not too long ago I visited a fellow survivor's web site; her advice: Laugh heartily. Use every opportunity to laugh out loud. How can we truly experience the healing nature of laughter if we are not in touch with our joy? How can we access our joy if we are cut off from its Source? I believe joy comes from a sense of well-being, of that which is called serenity. And why bother trying to pioneer a road to serenity when others worked so hard to build one for me? The only vehicle I need on this adventure is willingness: to pray, to receive, to give, to ask, to search, to wait and be patient. I look at that list of criteria and realize that I am not quite fully equipped as I could be; some of those components could use a little tuning up. So is the process of self-examination beneficial: we uncover not only where we have blundered, but also what supplies we need.

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Fourth Step Shopping List!

Inventory is a process by which we see what is missing, what should be restocked. We find where the holes are, what little mice have come in and raided our supply.
back to the heart. the heart is the one who is blocked. open the heart and you are free to receive all -- how? Let your mind travel across great distance to the void that exists within -- great distance into space of your mind -- the part you have cut off from yourself. you can heart open by practicing on those whose presence you dread. Enter into quiet simple conversation and just listen. No need to comment, be patient, listening. Be kind no matter what they say. This is not about you, it is about them and how they feel. Open your heart, open your ears. Take yourself out of the process -- be a listener. Your journey is separate from theirs, they are looking, too. Your pathway will not suit them, they must find their own way. Simplify your life. Do not take on more, but amplify that which you already have. It is natural to be concerned about everyday accountability to others. Proceed as you would under ordinary circumstances. Remember you have been given a great gift -- the power to achieve your heart's desire. heart open.

Wednesday, December 8, 2004:

This morning's passage of reading from Fox seemed to be a particularly lovely one, especially the line about being part of "the living garment of God." If that statement is true, then we must surely understand, at least a little, why God cares for us. I think about a coat, a dress, something of value to us, perhaps with sentimental attachment: a baby's sweater, a letter jacket, a bridal gown. Imagine that garment had a life, or lives, integrated into its fibers. Would we not treat it with ever such precious care? Would we not take extra steps to protect and preserve it? Fox gives us an eloquent metaphor for God's love in a handful of simple words.

I am grateful for such a moving beginning to my day. I had what used to be a "normal" day yesterday, active and busy from before dawn. At 6:30 I bathed and collapsed into bed, too tired to read or crochet. I did not actually go to sleep until around 11 p.m., but my fatigue prevented me from taking in a movie. I will try to pace myself today and hopefully have enough energy to go tonight. I need to remember I am still processing the residual from my bronchitis and the fibro must makes everything slower to repair.

I suppose there is some wreckage of the past yet to clear away in my marriage. The morning's medication articulates the path to right relationships. I am aware of this kernel of desire burning within me, the beginning of the spark of the need to mate. I view that beginning with mixed feelings: it has been a great source of trouble in the past. It can blaze up so quickly, and absolutely obliterate everything else in my conscious thought. It becomes a raging fire, an urgent need which is unquenchable. It can snap into a conflagration with a simple kiss or even a touch. I guess, to put it into perspective, I am like a prisoner who has been on a starvation diet for years. One would not expect that poor victim to show much restraint when offered a nourishing meal. And a starving person will eat almost anything. But almost anything will not be tolerated by the weakened system. A slow beginning is appropriate, with gentle, nourishing foods that are easily tolerated. It will be awhile before a hearty meal can be managed.

Here I put myself in God's Hands. I cannot expect myself to show any restraint when something delicious is set within reach. But I can try to remember good table manners.

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Thursday, December 9, 2004:

I suppose when a person becomes limited in any way, the opportunity to act of one's own volition becomes something to treasure. And perhaps Step Three is so important to the recovering alcoholic because it does involve the proper use of the will. We are strong-willed people, and loss of will possibly frightens us more than any other prospect. It represents an abandonment of one of the last human qualities we truly possess, most of us in abundance. But in Step Three we are given this great gift -- the key to turning a liability into an asset. And it is this great force that we have honed and polished -- this huge blast of energy that is our will -- that we can finally put to good, constructive use by working the Steps. The solution is simple; as the BB says, "most good ideas are simple (How It Works). We put our will into proper harness by aligning it with the will of God.

That alignment sometimes is a tedious process. It makes me think of a huge instrument, like the telescope in a planetarium. It must span a great distance; the farther out it looks, the more precisely it must be aligned. Just a fraction of a degree will change its perspective on space. We are fortunate that we have such an enormous field of vision, yet sometimes bringing a particular object into focus requires careful, patient adjustment in minuscule increments.

Fortunately for us, the quality of God's mercy is that of infinite patience. The BB states that all we need is to make a beginning, however small, and we are in the process of aligning our will with that of our Higher Power.

I intend to pick up my second red chip today. I feel this 90 days has stretched out for months. But when you think about it, 12 weeks doing the Twelve Steps really isn't very long at all. My God grant me the grace to do them all the rest of my life. Today I am grateful for the opportunity to make my life one that was worth living.

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Friday, December 10, 2004:


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Saturday, December 11, 2004:
They had seen miracles, and one was to come to them-- they had visioned the Great Reality -- their loving and All Powerful Creator.
...self-sufficiency...is a bone-crushing juggernaut whose final achievement is ruin....It is when we try to make our will conform with God's that we begin to use it rightly.
...we cannot avoid resentments and self-pity, so we learn to avoid these festering mental attitudes.
When I worry about losing myself in love, it usually means that my sense of personal identity is fragile...I do not surrender myself to the other person; I surrender to my feelings for the other person. It is a disastrous error to think that I will lose or gain my identity in a relationship...Love is for people who know who they are.
—Daily Affirmations
Kind actions coupled with unkind thoughts are hypocrisy...They are counterfeits and they bless neither the giver nor the recipient.
—The Beatitudes
...the highest of all forms of prayer...is contemplation.
—The Beatitudes