The true significance of the word "meek" in the Bible is a mental attitude for which there is no other single word available, and it is this mental attitude which is the secret of "prosperity" or success in prayer. It is a combination of open-mindedness, faith in God, and the realization that the Will of God for us is always something joyous and interesting and vital, and much better than anything we could think of for ourselves.
—The Beatitudes
Monday, December 13, 2004: anxiety and hope

I was trying to read when my cell phone rang: a call I knew I couldn't accept and still give time to my morning meditation. But just seeing the name on the caller ID made me anxious. I looked at the ceiling and repeated over and over, "...we pause, when agitated...". In looking for the exact page number of that quote I saw where I had underlined the passage that begins: "In thinking about our day we may face indecision." Just reading it I began to calm down. "Oh, God," I whispered when done reading. That's a short prayer, two words, but with that plea for comfort I know that I am heard, and that my heart can be supplied with whatever it needs to hold on to hope. My hope today is that I can be free of self-will, that I will have the courage to face each situation as it arrives and make the right decision for the right reason. I pray that I can stay out of slippery places while I am vulnerable and needy.

I had such a happy weekend. That sounds strange in light of the events that took place, but I was happy because I had fun. I was able to get out of my own misery and help some other people not feel lonely, or afraid, or sad, or just "less than." I laughed a lot, mostly at myself. I did something that I really didn't want to do but that I knew would bring joy to another person who had little of it. I helped a friend get through a difficult day. I helped another friend have a fun evening without spending any money or doing anything illegal or immoral. I allowed myself to accept gifts, compliments and opportunities. And I allowed myself to take care of myself when I needed to, to be okay with saying no without being uncomfortable, frightened, dishonest or angry. And all those things were possible because I asked God to help me where I know I am incapable of helping myself: making right decisions for the right reasons.

back to top

Wednesday, December 15, 2004: resentments, poor me

Decided to journal this a.m. before reading. Feel like I need a mental purge before I approach God. Reread the year's entries in about 20 minutes. So sad, an intermittent record of a life hitting bottom. But I didn't relive the dread and pain. Rather I had sort of a musing: wonder why it took so long? All in all, I guess things went pretty quickly, a step at a time. The pages are full of me looking at the problem, pondering the options and taking the next indicated step as best I could. Clearly I was overwhelmed by both responsibility and illness.

I am trying to use Emmet Fox's Golden Key this morning. I am distracted, resentful. I am reading one of my favorite passages from The Sermon on the Mount and thinking that T. is like a dog that bites you every other time you pat him on the head. What would you do with a dog like that? I guess if you really loved it you'd have it checked for a brain tumor.

back to top

Thursday, December 16, 2004: the joys of service

I think I know now what C means when he says, "live your life and take no prisoners". I think by just hanging with my Higher Power yesterday I was able to do that. it was a bumpy morning but I was self-aware enough to recognize conflicts and rsentments as they sprang up, and "Golden Key" them. It was so much easier than it has been in the past. I had to go to bed at E.'s naptime becaues I was just exhausted. Guess I'm still catching up from the weekend, or the weather nailed me. It was frustrating: feel good for 2-3 days, feel like I have enough energy to actually do some real work, and then struggle getting one little sample tape transcribed. I thought, maybe this is not the direction I should be going Then I got a call from A. to quote on a job. I'm pretty excited about it because it's a very easy job, a quarterly, not too demanding. The kind of work I don't have to stress about unless I want to.

So I suited up and went out, and ended up spreading cheer all through the area. I ran an errand of mercy, encouraged D. about his house guests and took a gift to K.'s cat. Hugged three people in the process! And felt good when I got home. Tired but happy. I sat up until 10 working and had one wakeful episode at 3 a.m. but got up with the sun and feel pretty good. I'm going to have to give away that candy I bought; I am gaining weight again. The cold makes me crave pasta and potatoes. But I've noticed that i don't have to console myself with food like I used to. I know that is also due to a contentment from this Greater Work.

back to top

Friday, December 17, 2004: loneliness

I am taking a "health" day, which is a pseudo-positive way of saying I don't feel well and pushing seems to make me worse. I am unhappy today that I am not in control of my physical health. I am a little lonely because I don't feel like interacting much. Everything seems like such a huge effort. I am disappointed in myself, even though I know I am powerless over my illness. However, I am glad that my TS work has made silence and solitude bearable, sometimes pleasant, sometimes preferable.

I am grateful for the sunlight pouring across my bed because it cheers me, warms me and has a beneficial effect on my physical chemistry. I have been restless the last few days trying to stay aware of my sex issues and not act out. Meetings and "safe" heterosocial encounters seem to help. I guess the crux of the situation is that today I will have to manage these with prayer, meditation and reflection. And as I am trying to learn, that may be the more effective set of tools, because it is readily available to me no matter where I am or where I go. I am comfortable in the arms of my Higher Power, knowing that many care for me and cheer me on. I do not need more today than I have already, and I believe that when the need arises, my Higher Power will meet it.

I am also aware of taking on the emotions of others around me, and I must step back and allow God to minister to them as well. I can only get in the way. I am aware that A. is in a very bad place, yet I know she needs to get to some meetings, too. I can pray for her to find the Light and know that God is working in her behalf.

I need to call some folks and say thank you.

back to top
Waste no more time repining for what is over and done, but make the present and the future a splendid realization of your heart's desire.
—The Beatitudes
Monday, December 13
anxiety and hope
We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition.
—Into Action
Wednesday, December 15
resentments, poor me
...we cannot avoid resentments and self-pity, so we learn to avoid these festering mental attitudes.
Thursday, December 16
the joys of service
The thing that really matters is that you be merciful in your thought. Kind actions coupled with unkind thoughts are hypocrisy...They are counterfeits and they bless neither the giver nor the recipient.
—The Beatitudes
...prayer is the only real action in the full sense of the word, because prayer is the only thing that changes one's character.
—The Beatitudes
...the highest of all forms of prayer...is contemplation.
—The Beatitudes